The frienship issue? The relationship issue? I dunno, but here it is :)
Ask Manda: Confessional
Seriously, ask me anything. Just send questions to amanda.vajskop@gmail.com and put “ask manda” in the subject line.
Dear Manda: How do I cut ties with a high-maintenance friend? We’ve known each other for ten years, but I can’t help but feel that she’s not bringing anything good into my life anymore. She’s negative, self-centered and dramatic. In fact, I can’t think of the last time I heard her say anything positive about anything! Every time we talk, it’s only because she feels like she needs to talk at someone and she never seems to be interested in anything that isn’t about her or her life. I feel obligated to her out of loyalty, but I can’t handle this anymore. Thoughts? - Emotionally Exhausted Friend
EEF, I wonder a few things about this situation. First, why do you feel obligated to this person? She sounds like a total energy-sucker. I mean, did she offer you a vital organ at some point in the past? Did you meet her in prison and she saved you from becoming someone’s old lady? Ten years is a long time to feel obligated to anyone for anything. That being said, I know exactly how you feel. I’ve had friends like this in the past and what I’ve found is that I keep them around both out of some weird and unwarranted sense of obligation AND because I love to hate them. However resistant we all are to admitting this, we all keep people around who we love to hate. People who, by proxy, make us feel better about ourselves because we dislike them so much. THAT being said, how do you cut ties with her? Simple. Just cut them. You don’t have to make any kind of grand declaration about the state of your friendship because if this chick is as neurotic and self-centered as you say she is, she likely won’t even register that you’re pulling away. If you don’t want to be around her, just don’t be. Be civil to her, obviously, but most importantly, stop thinking that anything you do is going to change her personality. It hasn’t for the past however many years. Besides, EEF, the Universe usually upgrades us when we finally decide to let go of the things and people that aren’t working in our lives. Time to make some room for a better friend!
Dear Manda: I have this really codependent friend. We have a mutual friend who constantly complains about her and won’t hang out with me if the codependent friend is going to be there. I am getting tired of her being so meek and refusing to state preferences for anything, but on the other hand, she can also be sort of controlling and judgmental. Our mutual friend and another friend of ours think the codependent friend really needs therapy and we’re considering staging an intervention. What’s the best way to do that? -Intervention Ready
Um, time out, IR. I think the best thing to do is hit the brakes and look at what you’re saying here. You and your friends think another of your friends is codependent, so you want to stage an intervention because a mutual friend wants to control the kind of friends you keep (whew! I hope I got that all)? Let me ask you a question. What do YOU think about your friend (the one on whom you’re planning to stage an intervention)? Do you want to keep company with this person or don’t you. That’s pretty much the only question in this scenario that is worth your attention. As for staging an intervention, my advice on how to do it is not to do it at all. This woman isn’t endangering her life or the lives of others. At the absolute worst, she’s annoying you. If that’s the case, I’d just back off and hang out with her less. So much easier and less dramatic, right?
I really hate to exercise, but I need to stay active and I want to keep my weight down. Any suggestions? - Lazy But Hopeful
Oh, Jeez, Lazy. Have you seen me lately? I’m not exactly the pinnacle of physical fitness here. The best and only advice I can come up with is to move every time you have a chance. Take the steps. Park far away from where you’re going so that you have to walk a little further. I’m kind of lazy myself. And by “kind of” I mean “very.” But taking small steps like this will at least help ensure that you don’t end up so out of shape that you’re out of breath after the two steps from your car door to the front door of your house.
Dear Manda: Do you believe that social networking sites like Facebook, Twitter, etc. are really helping us connect with friends and family? Or are they really just distracting us from spending quality time with them in person? – Social Butterfly
I really like this question, SB. Mainly because I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. While all of these sites DO provide the opportunity to connect with people who would otherwise be hard to find, call, visit, etc., it does absolutely promote laziness and time-wasting. While you might be able to find your long-lost buddy from elementary school, your boss can probably find that picture of you bonging a beer and flipping off the camera. And God help you if you’re looking for a job. They have ways to find all that stuff, now. While I am able to keep in touch with dear friends who live on the other side of planet earth, I also find myself censoring my activity so that my livelihood isn’t threatened. And yes, I know I’ve just discussed facebook so far. This is because I don’t tweet. Mainly because I don’t get tweeting. Call me old-fashioned.
Dear Manda: I have a long track record of being single and basically lost hope of ever having a meaningful relationship until I met my current boyfriend. We've been together for a year and a half and get along very well. Haven't even had a fight yet. That in itself worries me a little. Our only issue really is that he is a devout Christian and I'm a non-believer. Right now we're in limbo because he wants someone to share that with and knowing this, I have stopped putting forth any effort in the relationship. I figure what's the point? We're just headed for a break up anyway. Do you have any advice on how we can connect in a different way? I'm terrified of losing him but we may have exhausted all our efforts. – Lost Soul
Lost Soul, you’re not as lost as you think you are. I think the best thing you can do in this situation is talk to him about it. Ask him if this is a deal breaker or if he thinks he can be okay with it. I don't think it's necessarily fair to give up on it so quickly. Whatever if you don't believe in God, but have some faith in your boyfriend and your relationship. I think what a lot of people like about religious structures / faith in something larger than themselves is that it provides a sense of well-being or wonder in the world. Maybe a sense of something miraculous rather than ordinary. Ultimate instead of penultimate, you know? Okay, maybe you're not a Christian, but ask yourself these two questions: 1. Are you a good human being who cares for others for the most part? 2. Do you take pleasure in the world in which you live? When you take the myth and symbolism out of it, your shared sense of humanity might be where you can connect best.
